



AMES' Series of 

STANDARD AND UINOR DEAUA. 



1%». 99. 



HANS, THE DUTCH J. P, 

A DUTCH FARCE, 



IN ONE ACT, 



BY 



F. L CUTLEK, 



WITH CAST OFCHARAVTKRS. HNrilAJ^CESAND EXITS, RELATIVE 
POSITIONS OF TtlK PEUrORMERS ON TIIESTAOE. DE- 
SCRIPTION OF COSTCME, AND THE WHOLE OF 
THE STAGE BUSINESS, AS PERFORM- 
ED AT THE PRINCIPAL AMER- 
ICAN AND ENOLISU 
THEATRES. 



CLYDE. OHIO. 

A. D AMKS, PURLISHKR, 




Our Complete Descriptive C^aialogue FREE to any one. 



NEW PLAYS! 



l*ric<?. l.» cent.-* i»er Copy. 

' l>i*iven to tlic IVisilf^'or'rrue lb tlte IjUNt. .;,; 

A riay, ill tVmr acts, by A. P. Ames. 10 male and 3 fomalo ohiii- 
fii'tors. Kor beauty of dialogue, starllinp; situaUons, de|)lh8 <>f feel- 
ing, in lact all points which go lo make up a di-ama that will (Con- 
tinue to -grow in pi'blic lavor, there is none on the American Sla^e 
superior to this'one. The plot is an exceedingly deep one, and the 
interest begins with the lirst speech, and does not for a moment 
i^ease until the curtain fivlls on the Inst scene of the last act. The cast 
is .small and the costumes easily arranged. It can be played on apy 
stage. It. has parts for Lending Emotional Ija<ly, .Invenile Lady, 
Leading ^lan. Villain, Character Old Man, First Old Man, Comedy, 
etc. Traveling companies, everywhere, should have it, and every 
theatre should have it. 

!^ot as l>«'a.l' as ho Seems. . 

An Ethiopean Tarce in one :ict. 2 nial(> i-haraeters. Scene— a 
)»lain room. Costumes oxageraied and comic. Extremely ridicu- 
lous and funny. Time of jterformance li> minutes. 

Ten l%i{£lits in a. ll».r-Ro4»iu. 

A Temperance Play, in live acts, by Wm. W. I'ratI, IVom T. S. 
Arthur's novel of the same name — 7 ■ male, 'y> female characters. 
This edition is rewritten, containing many new points, and is the 
'>est cv<5r juesented tn the public. Nothing need bo- said in its 
juaise, as it is too well known. It is often played, and always sne- 
i-essfully. Time of performance about two hours. 

'l^hi-ee <j}lnsscs a I>a2»'. 
Or, The Broken Home. A grand Moral and 'reiiij><-;iur..- i-iiniiM, in 
two acts, by W. Henri Wilkins, 4 male, 2 female characters. Cos-' 
tumes modern. Scenes, interiors. First- cluss characters for Lead- 
ing Man, Villain, a genuine down-east Yankee, which is also very 
funnj' ; also Loading Lady, and a tip-top t'omedy Lady, If a com- 
iiany wish something with an (>xcollent moral, at the same time 
running over with genuine humor, buy this. Time of performance 
about (Uie hour and thirty minutes. 



Thai Hoy Sam. 

\u Kthiopean Farce in one scene, by F. L. Culler, a male, 1 fe- 
male character. Scene— n iilaiu room and (Simmon furniture. Cos- 
tumes, comic, to suit the characters. Very tunny, and eifeetually 
gives the troubles of a "(Colored gal" in trying to have a beau, and 
the pranks of "that boy Sam." Time of performance twenty minutes. 

Hans, the Uuti'h J. 1*.. 

A Dutch Farce in one act, by F. L. Cutler, H male, 1 female char- 
acter. An exceedingly funny j)eice Hans figures as a .Justice in 
the absence, of his master, and his exploita are extremely ludricous. 
Costumes modern. Scene plain room. Twenty minutes. 



Hans, the Duteli J. P„ 

A DUTCH FARCE, 

IN ONE ACT, 

BY 

/ 

F. L, CUTLER, 

Aiitlior of That Boy Sam, The Sliam Profo^for, Etc., Elc. 



Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 1878, by 

A. D. AMES, 
In Ihe office of the Librnrianof Congress, at Washington. 



CLYDE, OHIO: 

A. D. AMES, PUBLISHER. 



i\' 






HanSy 

Justice of the Feace^ 

Pat, 

Womarif 

Ghost. 



CHATtACTERS REPRESENTED. 

A Dutchman. 

His Master. 

An Irishman in troublt. 

Wanting help. 



COSTUMES— Modern to suit the aharactera. 



SCENE— Inte^-ior of Justipc's Office. 



PROPERTIES. 

Stuffed Club for Hans. Furniture for office. Books and papers to 
put on table. Sheet and mask for Ghost. 



HANS, THE DUTCH J. P. 



lfCENE.—;Jnierior of a Justice ojjice. 2'able c, uj>oi% whid arc 
hooJcs, newspapers, pen and ink,ct<i. Chairs r. and L. 

Enter, Justice, l. 

Justice. Well, let me sec ! What have I on hand for to-day ? 
Nothing that I can think of. Well, I may as well take things easy. 
{sits) I may as well post myself up a little. {opens a large book, 
when recollecting, he suddenly jumps up) Oh, thunder! I had k<c- 
gotten all about that Jones business. But that will take me out of 
town, and if I go, I shall have to shut up shop. 1 don't like to do 
that, because if there should be anything to do to-day, that other 
justice across the street will get it. I believe 1 will leave Hans here 
in the office — but he is such a stupid fool, I don't know whether 1 
can make him understand anything or not. (calls) Hans I Hans ! 

Enter, Mans, k. He is very corpulent. 

ITans. Veil. Vat you makes? 

Justice. Make I I don't make anything. lam compelled to go 
into the country upon business, and I want you to remam in the 
office until I come back. It any one comes in, you can tell them 



4 iiANi;, THE DUTCH J. r. 

tiiat I will be back this evening, nud will tlioii ntteiid u> their bus- 
iness for them. Do yon uiulorstiinu '.' 

Bans. Yah; I does Ihe biLiiess, un<i yoii eoines dis eveuiug. 

■h'fiilci:, No, 110, you stupid rascnl— you arc not to do anything of 
ilii' Ivind. You just tell them that I Mill he ])nck this evening, 
and that I will attend l.> their liusiiicps tlion. Do you understand 
now? 

Jlaun. Yav,'. 1 ieisthay. I di. 'em up bully, you bed you. 

■Justice. "Well see that you ilo. You must not leave the office uii- 
*il 1 get back for anything. 

Hunt. Yaw, I vas undersl;iii(l. ! don'i vas go away iVoin hero. 
"seiii. 

Ji'Min:. \V«11, just get my but hn- m.>. 

Jln/is in yetting hat Ju/Ls orcr chair, (/cncral bunmcs.s in yelling up, 
and getting hat which rolls aroitnd .stage. 

JJ'uvSj {g icing hat — with long Ircaih) Dunder ! Better you tie 
dot hat or he got awa}' mit you. 

Justice. Confound your blundering, you've nearly ruined this 

hit I ! I'll get back as soon as I can. {exit, >;. 

Hans examines his ycrsov iu sec if he is hurl rubs his elbows and 
shins — livips. 

J-'ians. Eusht dot hat did 1 '.•' \'cll bow could 1 hel-epil? it vas 
bound to got awaj'. I would yustlike to sec him shase a windy day 
der street up some day mit dot hat; den 1 guess! [mahcs faces — 
rubs elboio) By shiminy! dot vloor was barter as n dutchmau, 
uiui dot shair rub-a-dub my rips like ter tyfel 1 (males wry Jacc — 
looks slowly around the room) Veil, veil, 1 don't neler vas see der 
likes of dis! Here I vas got to sthay all day like a vart, uud dalks 
luit de beebles vat comes to me in. Veil, does vas a nice ting, beiu' 
a sliustice's office all der wile. 

E:lU,- I'll!, l;. 

i'at. ]Sow, be jabei ;?, but yor'rc the mou 1 want to say I I'll tell 
ye Squire, I'm in the divil's own schraiM>. Ye say, the raather 
:#thand9 loik this : you see I had a — had — 

Hans. Veil, dunder ant bUtzeul vat you makes? Ye dond got 
ioiiie, — vat you call 'im ?— shustice here now. 



HANS, THE DUTCH J. V. 5 

Pat. Haint got any justice ! fot d'ye inane, ye blaggard? Ain't 
tiiis a justice office? 

iraihi. (inoiions) Yaw, yaw ! Vat I makes is dat we dond got 
Boiue ; dond got — Veil how I tole hiin onj'how ? 

2'aL Bad luck to yez for a dutch spalpeen ! Come now, give me 
a warrant for that feller afore lie gits away. Give me the papcri?, 

Hans. Yaw, I gifs youiler babers. 

(I'ctxncicspuper and giccs to Pat who throws it i,i his face. Jluns 
steps backwards— It ips—fa Us . 

Pat, Take that you blunderiu old idiot. Fot ye iLiuk 1 want wid 
a newspaper ? ye old sourerout! , 

Hans, {rising) Y' aw, sourerout goot. 1 likes him bully. He 
makes a dutchman fat. {pats stomach and smacks lips. 

Pat. Who cares if it does make you fat. Ain't ye goin' to give 
me the warrant for that feller ? 

Hans. He vas gone oud in der country. 

Pat. Don't I know that, ye blaggard ! an ain't tUat lot I want the 
papers for — to ketch 'im afore he gits away ? 

Hans. He comes back mit himself dis night. 

Pat. Ccrae back to-night .' Howdoyez know that ye ould swilz- 
trcase? Maybe he'll come back and pay me for me loss — that's fot 
I want. I want me money. 

Hans. Yaw, him pay all de monish — he pay all he owe. 

Pat. Och I now, but I didn't think he'd be afther comin' to limu 
loik that. How did he find out that I was goin to arrest him? that's 
fot I'd like to know. Did ye tell him? 

Hans, Y'aw, I tole him. He come back d's night. 

Pat. Well that's all right, dutchey. I'll be back af'hei memon- 
L-y to-morrow. You'll excuse mo hittin' ye with the paper, but I 
thought you was making game of me. Come, lets shake hands. 

Hans. Shake— bully ! I was no making a game-bng mit you. 
N*ix. 

Each extend one hdnd and Lheij shake. Hans winces and tries to 
pull away, then grabs Pat's hand with both of his. Pat winces 
and tries to pull away, and then grabs both of Hans' hands iu 
both of his. Hans yells, jumps zip and sits down heavy. Pat 
exits L. 



fi UANS, THE DUTCH J. 1'. 

Hans. \rubbliKj hands) Shimiuy! I vas glad bo's y.iuc._ He viid 
soucezevorse nor a cider mill. Eassei* I find iive dollar ash squeeze 
him again. Vel, it vas funny aboud dot Irishman. He vant der ba- 
ber, und den veu I gif him to it, he trow him in my face. Und den 
he vant money. Vat I gif him money for ? Veil he come back to- 
morrow ant see de shudge, und dat makes notiherence mit mc. 

]£atcr Woman, u. 

Jiansjuwps up froiK. sitting poslurc on Jloor, runs around after 
ehair, upsets it and the ink, picks up chair and places it for 
Woman. 

Hans. Take a shair — take a shair. Bleasantly duudering hot, 
dond it? 

Woman, {sits) Is this the squire's office ? 

Hans. Vat der dickens ! Oh ! yaw, yaw, dot's it. 

Woman. Well I want to make some arrangements about getting 
a divorce from my husband. We can't live together any longer : 
and I've found another man that suits me, und I want marry to him. 

Hans. Mine gootness cracious 1 dond marry me ! I dond vant to 
marry nobody. He'll be back dis night. 

Woman. Don't I know that? and ain't that the reason why I 
want to do some thing to-day? All he ever married me for was 
money, and as soon as he found I had no.ie, and many debts, he 
t:i;mmenced to libuse me. 

Hans, {'isuti.) Veil, veil I vat 1 do mit dia womaus? She vauls 
to marry, und den ane vants money ; und I dond got some, if I had 
I would gil her ony. 

Woman, (goincj loicards him) Well, are you going to li.Y those ^la- 
pers for mc ? 

Hans, {backing off— aside) Great Shiminy 1 she's goiu' to marry 
me now, right away off quick. Vat I do, vat I do? Bleeae go away 
I vant to dink aboud it. Yaw, yaw, I fix 'em — come in to-morrow — 
only blecse go away now. 

Woman. Well, I'll settle with you in the morning. {exit, i;. 

Hans sees ink on table, jvns and wipes it up with his handkerchiej . 

Hans. Veil, bv craciousness I I never vas see any ting like dot. 
I vender how dis stuff vas come upturned ofer. I tink dot vomans 



HANS, THE DUTCH J. P. 7 

excite me. I wish I put heron der vloor excepting I skylark after 
does Bhair. She vas goin' to marry lue — cracious how varm I vas ! 

Hans wipes his face with his handkerchief, and makes face hlacl-. 

Cootness how I schweat ! I feel like a gouble of duuder shower. 
Dot vomans makes me varm, I bed you. She's coming after her mon- 
iah in de morning, eh ? I vas pooty quick think the shudge owe 
efrybody in disblace. {goes l. 0/ table.) Dot bades eferydmgs. I 
danks she marry der shudge ouf he don't look a leedle out. 1 von- 
der vat comes next? 

Enter Ghost, r. 

I shouldn't be much cxprised of der tyfel himself come in next, 

and 

Qhost. {heavy voice) All right, dutchy. 

Hans falls to iJie floor and rolls under table, general bitsiiiess trying 
to cover himself with hi3 coat-tails. Licit Ghost, R. Hans 
raises himself slowly to .sitting posture from under table, and 
looks around. 

Hans. Veil, he dond athay long, {rises) I guess he got schared 
ofl'me. Better he vas not come back here again, or I put a head off" 
him 80 quick vat I can. {walking heard n.) Dere he is again. HI 
fix him! 

Oets club L. runs to R. entrance, raises club nboce head—stands. 

Enter Justice, r. 

Mans strikes him with dub and knocks him do^vn^. c. and pounds 
him with club. 

CURTAIN. 



to Amateurs. 



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* FLESH PAINTS. 

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A.MATKUR COMI'ANIKS wi-shing the ass'iatan-e of AJJr. Ames in 
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direct rehearsals to the satisfaction of alL As an actor the public may 
judge for themselves. We take pleasure in submitting a few notices 
.recoivcil. The f(dlowing is from the .\])|)let<ui City. [Mo.] Pilot. 

'•On Thursday night last. Mr. Ames made his tirst appearance be- 
lore an Appleton City audience, and if we may judge from the hearty 
reception that met h'.m, in the courst; of his character ot Farmer Allen 
in the beautiful play of 'Dura,' he hits made hunself a favorite with our 
citizens, and formed a long list of personal friends who will remember 
him and watch his career as an actor and instructor with interest. His 
ren<lition of Allen was acknowledged by all, as superior work. Th« 
tear came unbidden to the iVye at diil'erent times, while watching the 
many and devious passages in which Farmer Allen, the man whose will 
wiifl law, were delivered in the niost;na.tnral and effective manner."' 

I'^roni the same paper we have the tiftllowing: 

•'.Mr. A. D. Ames was cast in thaliinost ditlicult role of Joe Morgan 
in Ten Nights in a Bar-Room. Theuuiversal verdict ot the audience 
was that his rendition of the same waS perfect." 

The following is from the Blootnville [0.] Banner: 

'•Of the acting of Mr.- Ame.< we can speak in the highest praise. The 
eharacter'of Daltoii was writtei'/expressly for him, and that he acts it 
true to nature, noone will deny;^ We could not help noticing the ex- 
pression of countenance so plainly marked, even without a word being 
said. His cry at the death of Willie, where he exclaims, '0, Willie, 
how cau»I give you up !' will not soon be forgr)tten." 

^~ Address A, D. AMES, Dramatic Publisher, Clyde, Ohio. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 400 928 4 



TO THE Pbnub. 



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OLYUB. OHIO. 



